Last night I did my usual and started to think about life, the world and I. Normally when I do so it tends to escalate quite quickly. Last night was no different from the usual. So I took to twitter -as I recently have been doing, as a place to ask these questions, to say it out loud so to speak, maybe sometimes as a rhetorical question, but mostly so I can see other people’s opinions. So that they can open my eyes to new ideas and thoughts and reasoning, sometimes to change the idea I have, sometimes to give me the support in my own thoughts. Anyway, I go off track.
Last night I asked “does everyone deserve a second chance, or a third, or more? Does everyone deserve forgiveness?”
And I was met with the answer “yes 100%. Everyone or no-one”. And the truth is I get this. I kind of agree, but it throws up a whole load of other questions for me. I, for not a second, claim to be a perfect person, I know that I am not. Give me enough time and I could list from dawn til dusk all the things that mean I’m not, but I try to do good. I try to be non judgemental, I try to not cause hurt or harm to others. So in the theory of all is deserving of forgiveness, does that mean I stand beside the horrid people in the world. Does that mean that I am the same? Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in 2nd chances, multiple chances in a sense, but it’s the pearly gates scenario again.
The reason forgiveness comes into question at this time in my life is that an old friend, an ex friend, is seeking forgiveness from me, for something that happened a long time ago. And she doesn’t just ask for it, she pesters me for it. This lead into the next question. Does the person have to give forgiveness, or can it be left to a higher entity idea (I paraphrase). And the response I received was the one that I felt (but just don’t want to hear) that yes people should forgive. It doesn’t mean relationship has to be formed.
I want to forgive, I actually do. I hate the idea that someone out there is seeking forgiveness from me, and is dealing with the anguish. Yet, I don’t know if its genuine. I don’t feel like it is. Is it not enough for her to seek forgiveness from ‘god’ or whoever and leave me be? Her actions that night added to the trauma and have thus changed my entire way of making friendships etc. It made everything unbearable. Yet then is that me being unfair on her, and not taking responsibility for my own actions and the subsequent effects of my own choices.
The problem is I know in giving forgiveness to her I will then cast the blame on myself. See the thing is I feel like I’m getting close to breaking point, and I feel like in forgiving her, I will potentially combust. All this makes me feel like a terrible human.