*may be triggering*
You know when that feeling appears in your stomach. That sinking feeling. That knot. That tightens and some how rises up through you, grasping onto everything on its way up. Up further and further until you no longer just have a knot in your stomach, but a lump in your throat, a throbbing ache in your heart. Not forgetting the intense drumming in your head. That feeling hit me this week. In the early hours of the morning as I lay in bed. Thinking. Casting my mind back. A book I had read had me thinking, and I ran with it, and it had lead to me analyzing relationships. Namely past ones.
I had a life altering experience when I was 17 (in that my at the time boyfriend decided to, one night share me with 2 of his friends. Putting it politely.) I became an expert of taking feelings, taking emotions, taking hurt and trauma and burying them deep. I had my coping mechanisms and I was good at hiding them too. And so we fast forward 5years (when I was 22) and I am still coping in my own way, and I am making some good friends at my work. Here comes, said relationship. He was really approachable and friendly. He was unassuming and kind. A thinker and a listener. And well somewhere along the line we became good friends, and after a really rough night for me, he became concerned. Resulting in me confiding in him. Fast forward 6 months and we are closer than ever. He announces his break up with his girlfriend and weeks later he tells me he likes me. Like likes me. And he is the first guy since age 17 that I could feel at ease with. And before I know it we are in this kind of relationship, not physical. Other than a few instances. He doesn’t want to commit. He doesn’t remain interested unless I comply to his texts. And his requests. Stupidly I do. Afterall he liked me despite my past, and issues. After a year, a new girl in the office begins and he starts to divert his attention to her. I’m no longer interesting. Looking back he would sometimes berate me, be angry at me but mainly just distant. After that we grew apart.
And so this horrid feeling appears because I have just figured it out. I think it’s fair comment to say that he took my vulnerability and used it to his gain. I did things I wouldn’t normally do. Or at least I don’t think I would. Things he knew I wasn’t comfortable doing. Having said that I can’t let him take all the blame though. I did it. It was me. I just feel ashamed and horrid. Dare I say it dirty and used. I know it’s probably an over reaction on my part, but I can’t help but feel to blame. Again. Ashamed. Again.
So I confided this in a friend who lives on the other side of the world. A good friend. Nothing more or less. Someone who has a counselling background who I confide in from time to time and was greeted with the response “Laura you’re flawed beyond repair, and always will be. I think that’s what makes me love you.” So now I’m feeling even more responsible for everything and maybe I am flawed beyond repair. Maybe the sticky tape holding me together isn’t doing too good a job these days.