The dazzling sun removes all clarity of sight.
Clothing all in a warmmber glow.
On the cold, hard, wooden pew sat she,
Musty air filling her lungs.
Watery flames dancing sombrely in the corner of her eye.
The waterfall of tears streamed down her cheeks,
In her quavering hands she held a sobbing head.
Clear to the eye, her pain was irreversible.
Removing her hands from her head she gazed
Mumbling a hurting, rhetorical question to the monument ahead.
Downwards her head fell, into the safety of the hands.
And sadly the crying cycle began again
I hear your voice
I feel you sigh
And like the sand beneath my feet
You drift away with the tide.
You hear me cry
You feel me break
And with the moon in the midnight sky
There you fade into the new day.
And I cry endless rivers
Hoping to reach the sea.
And I drown in the floods of tears
Knowing you’re not coming back to me.
If there were time enough, I might tell you
How the howling night becomes scorching day
How the fresh breeze sighs, if only you knew
Thunder and lightening when Gods are at play.
Why Flora and Fauna chose Spring to sow
Why Ceres tends these small tendrils to bloom
Where the hard-earned fruits of young Summer go,
Before the harsh gales of old Winter loom.
And yet, should we squander what little time
On pondering, on which we know not?
Shall we spend our dying days on this climb,
Or on some nonsense expend our last thought?
Should be spend on this out entire lives through?
If there were time enough, I might tell you.
“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself, as I sat staring into a freshly brewed cup of tea.
“What is wrong with me?” Silence echoed through as my heart throbbed harder than before. It’s horrible feeling both broken but resilient. To want to fall apart but be unable to.
It took me until this morning to be able to come up with some sort of answer to that question that haunted my thoughts. Or maybe with reflection, that question has been floating around years and it’s taken longer to come to the most accurate conclusion. The conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me. Yes, there are things that I have done “wrong”, or more importantly, I could have dealt with better. I’ve gone down some paths I wish I hadn’t and I have faced, and continue to face a lot of demons on my own. Over the years I have simply done what I thought to be my best with the sole intention of making it through the tough times. And just maybe, in hindsight, that should be praised.
I have so much to work on. The task is somewhat overwhelming and terrifying because I do not know what the end result looks like. I don’t even know if there is an end result to be found. However, I’m too drained, physically, mentally and emotionally, to be keeping myself down, and blaming myself for all the loss and grief and pain I have come across in my life.
At this precise moment in time I am finding myself in a time of grief and confusion. I lie in bed feeling wholeheartedly responsible for my child not having other siblings, sobbing at that relationship I have potentially lost for my daughter. I lie in bed aching for me from the past, that I lost but never gave proper thought to. I find myself so often living in the should haves or the what ifs, rather than being able to take the loss, the heartache, the pain and the emptiness for what it is, and embrace it and learn from it. And now I am seeing the pattern that I fall into.
I am learning that my first step to healing, my first step to giving myself that grace, is to allow myself to slow down. To rest. Even if it is just for a mere moment. Rest.
The challenge I face is that I have to put myself first and find a way to hold myself in a position of love and care, not of blame and hatred. And so it is up to me to make that change. And I am so resolved to do just that. I owe it to the people in my life. I owe that to myself