I’ve noticed that I don’t really say “I’m okay” any more, and that it has been replaced with I’m tired. Maybe I’m tired is a more accurate representation of how I am feeling. Tired. Physically. Mentally. Just tired. Tired because sleep does not want to be a friend. Tired of stumbling and tired of trying to hold the pieces together when I don’t even know what I’m doing it for. Tired of every thing my brain thinks and remembers, tired of the way my heart aches. Tired of when it decides to feel numb. Tired of people. Tired of being lonely. Tired of me. Definitely tired of me. Just tired.
Can I be your sunshine?
Can I be your rain?
Can I reach inside your soul?
Make you feel alive again
Do you want me to stay?
Do you want me to go?
Do you want me to figure out what’s on your mind?
For I no longer know.
Should I change?
Should I leave it up to chance?
Should I try to make this last?
Feel like I’m stuck in a solo dance.
Is it time for me to leave?
Is it me or is it you?
Is it over, is this it?
I’m left here, lost without a clue
Sunny days are over now
Dark skies are cast ahead.
Keep driving further from here
End up in some strangers bed.
Screaming from inside my head.
Dreams of yesterday thrown away
Discarded like someone’s trash
Only sorrow has remained to stay
And my world just seems to crash
When this feeling seems to last.
My world was shattered and it’s over now.
My hope was scattered, before you leave, take a bow.
It was up to you, now it’s up to me.
Leave me alone, leave me be.
Tremors on the wooden floor
Time it to perfection.
Constant beat, calling out for more
Be the centre of attention.
The riff playing to my own sweet song
Your fingers move. Running.
Telling my hips to sway along
Your voice lingers. Humming.
Transporting me to another place
Take a sip of your bottle of beer.
See the beads of sweat drip down your face.
Notice how it all ends with an intense cheer.
A pause. A smile. The moment’s gone too soon.
But let it all begin again, with the next tune.
I hear your voice
I feel you sigh
And like the sand beneath my feet
You drift away with the tide.
You hear me cry
You feel me break
And with the moon in the midnight sky
There you fade into the new day.
And I cry endless rivers
Hoping to reach the sea.
And I drown in the floods of tears
Knowing you’re not coming back to me.
You are a thief in the night, a silencer in the day. You are faced with taboo and stigma and the fear to talk, yet you thrive on that. It feeds your soul, and let you steal another heart, mind and body. You lie and you ensnare the vulnerable with your resolutions. You mask yourself as relief from the pain, an ending to the ache and turmoil inside. Yet you bring unimaginable hurt and pain to those you leave behind. Please stop robbing this world of the bright sparks, the delicate flowers and the ones who understand.
(TW: suicide, self harm).
I am surrounded by love. I know this. I have always been surrounded by love. Yet, I chose to hide away my emotions and thoughts. Protection for others, for those I love, I always told, or rather tell myself. Fear and shame are probably a more accurate reason.
It had been a rough day, in a rough week, in a rough month, in a rough year. After a few rough years. And it didn’t seem like there was any way out. I’d been triggered by seeing an unwelcome face from an unwelcome time, and it had all become just too much. Walking across the bridge to the train station, I wondered how quickly I could just disappear. I could jump, I thought to myself. You don’t swim, came the next. I got home to an empty house and poured myself a glass of wine. Drank it like it was fruit juice and poured myself another. I headed to the bathroom and did my usual traits of self destruction. And then uncharacteristically sat ready to end it all.
As I sat on the bathroom floor deliberating on whether or not to just end the hurt. Silence the ache inside me, my inner voice told me I didn’t have the courage to do that. And I didn’t. Shame had been the instigator in it, the wolf in sheep clothing. Yet it was the fact that I was so deeply rooted in my shame, shame of the past and what had happened to me, shame of how I had handled it, shame in that it was to an extent my own doing, shame in how I had let it become me, shame that I had been a failure in so many ways.
Shame has a way of spiraling and breeding more shame. Secrets multiply until honesty becomes lost. And yet here it was saving me as I was still too afraid for truths to come out and do more damage to the world of the people I was leaving behind.
And so I bandaged myself up, flushed away the fistfuls of what I had thought to be, or hoped to be, my mercy. Wiped away my tears and kept that moment to myself. Til now.
For years I threw caution to the wind. Leaving it up to luck, fate, God. Whatever you wish to call it. In my darkest desperate moments, some glimmer of something holding me back. I know what it takes to not be here. I have written the letters. I know how deep to cut or how many pills to take. I know what it takes to disappear. I know, because I have stood on the ledge, ready to step off the edge into the abyss.
So here is my question. Why do we, on the whole as a society, wait until a suicide or an attempt happens, for us to stand up and take note of the person in need? Why are we as a society so fearful of the truth and speaking up? Is it the hurt? Is it the helplessness? Is it the fear of being rejected?
It should not take until suicide to be seen. I fully understand how easy it is to go unseen. Many go unnoticed because they become experts at hiding their true feelings. I know I am. I’m not as good as I used to be though, and I’m grateful for that. I still say ‘I’m okay thanks’ when I’m not or turn the question on the person asking. I still smile when inside me there are no pieces left to fall apart.
All I urge is that you stand up and be seen, or you do the seeking and properly ask and make yourself available to others. There are plenty of sayings and phrases that surface, especially around these times, please be more than the words you are saying. Be an action.
Notice the person who looks blue and actively speaks out, but also notice the person sitting there with a smile on their face, saying “I’m okay thanks.”